I figured since it’s April 1, there’s no chance of a substantive post being heard through the thousands of comedic wannabes. So I went with stream of consciousness instead.

1. I’d buy a lot more links. Really, I should. It seems to work anyway.
2. I’d own a lot more internet access accounts, so I could spam StumbleUpon, Digg and other social networks.
3. You wouldn’t be reading this blog. ‘Cause I sure wouldn’t want to tell anyone what I know. Luckily my need for attention outweighs my evil tendencies.
4. I’d be rich.
5. My guinea pigs would be far more nervous. They look tasty.
6. I’d be an avid plagiarist.
7. I would offer a $99 Rank Number One On Google Guaranteed package. Sign here, please.
8. I would tell clients what they want to hear.
9. I would write movies like Manos, the Hands of Fate, and then make my kids watch them. Mwahahahahahahaha…
10. I’d hire 40,000 people abroad to click the PPC ads on this site. C’mon, guys, I make $2 a day. Are you kidding me?
11. I sooo would’ve slapped that guy who said “All you can do is write“.
12. I’d be less whiny.
13. I’d correct everyone’s grammar. Oh, wait…